10 things you must definitely not wear this winter

1 Neck Warmers

Has one ever stayed tucked in? No. Has the elastic pull cord always been too tight? Yes. Does the plastic widget on the elastic always dig into your neck? 'Course it bloody does. 

2 New age socks

Don't, don't. DON'T make me go there. Socks with individual toes. The very thought of them sees my buttocks squeezing together like a choirboy's in the Vatican. Never comfortable, never fitting like a glove* (we've all got weird toes, it's a human trait); and often coming in a less than manly striped finish.* To re-quote Peter Kay, "My mate's got five dicks. How do his pant's fit? Like a glove!" 

3 New age hats (bandit hats)

Is it a hat? Is it a scarf? No, it's the angling equivalent of a 10-foot neon sign saying 'TWAT' on your head. There seems a virulent trend amongst outdoorsy-types to wear hats that double as scarves, towels, hankies or what have you. You know the ones. Like a bandana for the chilly. Since Cornish Townley's bandana-wearing episodes of the eighties, angling has (rightly) steered clear of the bandana until now, failing to recognise it in it's newfound guise as a winter titfer. And don't get me going on headwear, I'm going to have to have a pop at the...

4 Bivvy suits

Imagine the gout-ridden old soak... "Well now Jeremy, I'm retiring to the bivouac when I've downed this brandy... Man-servant, ready my bivvy suit, iron my cravat and push the hot bellows into the bag and get her roaring!" A bivvy suit, I ask you. One: you have take the thing off for a number two (that's a crap Rob). Two: what the hell is the point of taking-off warm clothes to put on cold ones, no matter how soft and cuddlesome. Three: that little fella sitting on the chicken skin cushion between your legs means you're a man... Act like one.

5 Bivvy Slipper

The creme-de-la-creme for the angler with money to burn, the bivvy slipper. I've been in some big bivvies in my time and have yet to see one where it takes more than one step to get from A to B; chair to door, prone to pissing. If you can't get your head around sliding your toes into your readied boot like Cinders when you need to tiptoe to the door, you've got a problem mate. And that problem is probably athlete's foot, a bivvy galosha just ain't the one mate. And while Crocs are good, they come under the 'Clog' section, which we don't do, do we boys? (Looks down at feet, embarrassed).

6 Angling gloves

You know the ones, a slit at every knuckle, enough Velcro to hold a bull elephant on a wall for 10 minutes and 'Gauntlet' styling. Firstly, it gets parky so you think, 'Ah, my angling gauntlets' and reach into the confines of your rucky to find 'em stuck in a ball with every rod band, nylon stocking (!) and performance fabric you own. Spend 10 minutes pulling the glove from the wreckage and slide them on. Firstly, the 'gauntlet' styling pushes your jacket and jumpers up your arm, so your arm's cold and uncomfortable. Secondly, everything line-based in your tackle snares on the 'kin Velcro. SO you have to go about retrieving your frozen digits from the gloves like getting your old boy out of six sets of pants and skin-tight jeans with a 1" fly. The Velcro by now has scratched your numb fingers more then a pike's gills and you're totally incapacitated. To finally ban them to Room 101, you scratch your head and they stick to your hat that your hair's only just stopped aching in. 

7 Balaclavas

A great idea from your Aunt Mabel. How can one woollen garment totally stop you breathing in less than 20 seconds? The eyes never line-up with your peepers and they make your hair ache. Plus, when you take them off, your hair and the wool dents in your face make you look like Simon Weston in a wind tunnel. If... If... IF you can master wearing one, you'll forget about it and pop into the shops on the way home, only for everyone to scream, dive to the floor and whimper they've got no money or list their children and needy relatives so you leave them alone.

8 Pocket hand-warmers

Nothing, I repeat nothing, makes your hands seem so cold on a winter's day. You spend 20 minutes lighting the charcoal, sending hot rocks showering over your trews, burning through both your waterproofs, trousers and tights (is it just me?). Finally, you put the glowing ember into the clamshell and snap shut the spring-loaded case, nipping a chilled finger in the process. Wait an hour for the thing to get warm, then stop everything you're doing to try and huddle around it. Another hour gone, your hands are still freezing so you slide it into your pocket to come back to later. The glowing warmth around your asparagus and peas make you sweat like John Leslie until it looks like you've pissed yourself. Which then freezes when you get up. Shite.

9 Leggings

The very word conjures up images of scantily clad, slightly glistening blonde bintage doing leg stretches in Pineapple Dance Studios. While slack legwarmers are optional, the angling 'Long-Johns' never bloody fit do they? One, they've always got a strange fly system that means in desperate times you're elbow deep in your crotch trying to find your way through to layer 3. And guess what? When you get there it's too late. Plus, the Velcro on your mitten (see 7) has welded itself to the undergarment like a teasel in a fluffy rabbit, and repeated attempts to extricate yourself from the flies sees a swathe of saggy material like an out-turned clown's pocket hanging afore thee. Plus, if they're the 'socked' version, every time you bend over, your toes curl like a rape victim in tights 

10 Slouchy beany

Have you got dreadlocks? No. Do you look like David Beckham? No. For Christ's sake man-up man. Anything outside of a rolled-up woollen beanie, a la Dexy's Midnight Runners circa 1978 shouldn't be tolerated within these shores. They don't even bloody stay on! And when they do, the woollen bulge hanging off the back of your sweed like a 90-year-old gorilla's tit pulls the bloody thing off anyway. Style above function. Sorry. And I've owned one, purely in the interests of research, you understand. 

NB: All of the above and more can be sourced from all leading angling publications. Just look for 'The Ideal Gift This Xmas' beside them. I bet Joe's now rewriting all of his Crimbo ads!

NB: All views expressed in this article are the author's own and any similarities to persons living, dead or in-between are entirely intentional but should be taken in jest. A bit.

This article was taken from issue 104 of CARPology magazine. For the very latest articles and best deals subscribe to CARPology magazine.