Carping Allegedly - March 23'

Best Laid Plans
This time last year, I was busily plotting, thinking about and dreaming about the downfall of a particularly handsome and extraordinarily big fish that lived in a very sparsely stocked lake. The water that contained the aforementioned mighty beast, also held a handful of much more average-sized carp. Catching such a fish was undoubtedly going to take a great deal of effort, a lot of blank hours and a considerable amount of good fortune. I have, though, long passed the stage of worrying about how many fish I catch in a season, and as spring drew closer, I definitely felt ready for the challenge.

Although I kept my plans pretty much under my hat, in passing, I did mention the idea to a handful of regular carping compadres. Although they all wished me well and thought it was a great idea, it was obvious that I was going to be embarking on this particular adventure single-handed; unsurprisingly, no one else was daft enough to undertake it.

In an effort to ensure that I remained wholly committed to my quest, I resisted the temptation to book or arrange any other overseas trips for the entirety of 2022, so determined was I not to be distracted from my ultimate aim: the capture of the lonesome beastie!

I saw little point in changing my baiting approach from what had proved so effective for me over the previous few seasons, and I armed myself with a few bags of RG Baits’ The Formula + Arctic Crab boilies. Along with these—which I would use whole, halved and crumbed—I took a jar or three of Carbon Baits Hemp. The only other addition was Mainline’s fish-flavoured Smart Liquid. I had played around with the Smart Liquid through the previous summer, and my conclusion was that it would only add to the overall pulling power of my mix.

My first trip was planned as an open-ended affair. On arrival, and after a very restless night on the ferry, I was rather surprised to find only one other angler on the water. My eventual swim choice, I felt, was good, albeit that I was a little cramped. Whilst I didn’t have too much water to go at, I had a very appealing margin to my left, and some much deeper, open water out in front. A lovely warm breeze was pushing in, and more of the same was forecast for the next week or so. The slightly restrictive nature of the swim saw me limit myself to just two rods, but things felt pretty good as I turned in on the first night on my new water.

The welcoming party from the opposite bank wasn’t long in arriving the following morning, and I was greeted with a surprised look and the age-old, “Are you who I think you are?”

”Dunno,” I replied, “If you think I’m Robbie Williams, then no!”

The remainder of that day passed without event and with no sightings. I spent my time watching the world go by and observing the other anglers who were arriving. Seemingly, each and every one of them was equipped with a drone!

The next few days came and went, and were accompanied by a noticeable increase in temperature. I saw my first mirror ‘carplet’, as it flopped out in open water. I also received a visitation from three apparent regulars. They brought worrying news that an angler’s van, parked across the water, had been trashed and partially torched during the night. Their English was not great, but from what I could gather, the guy, who was now well and truly van-less, had fished the lake before and hadn’t respected the unwritten no-publicity rule.

I was concerned. I knew the deal before I even contemplated fishing the lake, and I had no intention of divulging its whereabouts to anybody. How, though, were the guys, who were obviously very protective of their venue, supposed to know that? My VW mystery machine was parked in a desolate spot about forty yards away, beyond the dense wood behind me, and for the next couple of nights I catnapped, keeping half an ear on what might be happening out on the road—I has no desire to suffer the same fate as the ‘Peckanator’ had a couple of years before on Lac d’Orient.

Come three o’clock the following morning, as I was busily texting a mate who was fishing in Croatia, I heard what sounded like voices coming from the direction of the van. I crawled out of the bivvy and listened… yep, no doubt about it!

I grabbed an oar from the boat, and holding it M60-style, I charged as fast as my flip-flops would carry me through the woods like John J Rambo on steroids. I exploded from the trees to find three youths sitting in the grass at the back of the van. Clearly, they had been overindulging on the Jamaican Woodbines. The sight of me camoed up and waving a 6ft oar around in the dark seemingly scared them half to death. Two of them jumped up and then froze. The other disappeared off up the track, leaving a smoke trail behind him!

Thankfully, the two who remained spoke pretty good English. It soon became apparent that they meant no harm and were simply on their way home from some party or other, having simply stopped off to lay in the grass and have a smoke—like you do! As I left to allow them to wander off into the night, they thanked me for not killing them.

I returned to my bivvy a slightly relieved man. I was alone and in the middle of nowhere, and being somewhat past my ultimate fighting weight, I didn’t particularly fancy a roll around in my flip-flops with three twenty-year-olds.

My time on the water came to an end without so much as a pip from any of the rods, but that didn’t worry me in the slightest. I enjoyed it enormously, and without doubt, I shall return for more.

Starbucks Profit Warning
Starbucks are reputed to have in excess of 36,000 outlets, globally, and over 400,000 employees. They have a total net revenue of around $27 billion, and in the UK alone, recent figures suggest a gross profit of £95 million. I would never claim to be an expert, but that’s quite a bit of coffee and cake!

There are, though, potentially worrying profitability signs ahead for this monster of a company, primarily, it has to be said, because I cannot stop myself from stealing their disposable wooden cutlery!

Every time I find myself at the little counter that is home to their sugar and sweeteners, there they are, sitting there, just asking to be rehomed at chez Cottam, in readiness for my next day session. I am not a regular day-angler by any means, and I have no idea how many such sessions I will undertake during the next year or so. Judging by the contents of my cutlery draw at home, however, I won’t be running short of eating implements anytime soon!

The Year Ahead
For me, 2022 was a funny old year. Ultimately, I paid the price for putting all my eggs in one basket, and I am not going making the same mistake this year. I’m planning to fish Luke Moffatt’s lovely The Graviers fishery for the first time in quite a while. I did visit the venue during the summer of 2018, but apart from that, I haven’t wet a line there since 2011—I honestly don’t know where the time has gone!

I am looking forward to my trip enormously. I have always loved the place, and although most of the large carp I chased around in those early years are sadly no longer with us, a whole new group of big fish have come through, including a couple I would quite willingly sell my granny for!