A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... A WANNABE SPONSORED CARPER
00:01 a.m.
Jez, cocooned in the bedchair, is rudely awakened by his ego inflating the extremities of a flaccid body. His gentleman’s area chafes on his camo underpants, as he thinks of all the potential ‘Likes’ awaiting today’s social media posts. He lies there, staring at stars, battling temptation, knowing the algorithm does not reward nocturnal posting. Jez suffers from Premature Instagram Ejaculation.
5:00 a.m.
Jez jumps at the sound of his phone alarm, thinking he’s in, but alas, the blank continues. He briefly wonders if he’s out of his depth on this water, but the kettle steaming against a dawn sky distracts him, and he reaches for the phone to record another ‘carpy’ Insta Reel. Jez drinks a brew, watches the water for ten minutes, and then dives back into the bag. Visual calories are all well and good Adam [Penning], but a bivvy tramp needs his beauty sleep. He drifts away, imagining the first overseas trip as a sponsored angler, desperate to relieve the bloated tension of anonymity. Jez suffers from Celebrity Wannabe Constipation.
7:00 a.m.
He stumbles out of his bivvy into the sun, bleary-eyed, biteless, but buoyed by thoughts of the morning monologue. Suitably centered by spliffage, Jez warbles in front of his iPhone about his second brew, about the weather looking promising for a bite, and how new tapered lines mean he can now reach the ‘dancefloor’. The Reel is shared to an underwhelming trickle of Likes, including his mum, and one comment—the obligatory bot fishing for content. Jez has a bad case of delusional optimism.
“Jez ignores a call from an unknown mobile number, then instantly regrets his decision, thinking it could be THE CALL from Alan or Danny.”
8:00 a.m.
For a fleeting moment, he considers that maybe less is more when it comes to posting… Nah, don’t be silly, the algorithms love an addict! With nothing new to share, he trawls his phone for an old capture shot. Most have been uploaded multiple times, but here’s one for a #WednesdayWhacker post. It looks much bigger than 28lb—tis the wide-angle lens what does it! Jez scrolls back through Insta and FB to delete previous ‘reveals’ of this ‘scaly banger’. No need to mention the size or when it was caught. Jez does not suffer from Impostor Syndrome!
10:00 a.m.
Time to reel in and make the daily McDonalds Double Sausage and Egg McMuffin, two hash browns, and a large cappuccino run. He checks his phone while waiting, likes both comments and punches the air: five new Insta followers. Jez is not the only one that needs feeding: the algorithms are always ravenous. He pops into Morrisons for a fresh cream apple turnover and a pack of custard doughnuts. Jez is blissfully unaware he’s on a fast-track to Type 2 diabetes.
11:00 a.m.
He pops home to pick up a boilie delivery from the bait company he ‘works’ for. £5 per kilo, not bad, he thinks. Jez ignores a call from an unknown mobile number, then instantly regrets his decision, thinking it could be THE CALL from Alan or Danny.
2:30 p.m.
Back at the lake, not much is happening, so Jez ties up three Flip-Flop Rigs, chucks them out, and lies back, thinking an unknown Meadow Lake 50 would surely secure a tackle company deal. He searches well-known anglers on Instagram, follows three, likes all their photos and leaves dozens of ‘awesome kipper’, ‘light my fire’ and ‘it’s a clonker’ comments. Play up, play up and play the game!
3:00 p.m.
Achtung, achtung, Jez is in! After a titanic battle, he bundles a 29 leather hooked in the pec into the net. Let’s call it 30lb 4oz on the lucky scales and assume the hook slipped during the fight.
3:15 p.m.
Jez fusses over his look, donning jacket, glasses and cap, logos to the front, then strikes his best carpy pose. He has never been more ready for the MONEY SHOT!
5:00 p.m.
He kisses his phone and posts the catch with the following blurb: ‘If you want some action, get on the new Honeydew fishmeals!’ No mention of flip-flops!
7:00 p.m.
Jez composes a list of things to talk about when he finally gets the call to do a podcast: How it all started, his first twenty, his only thirty, the tricky park lake campaign, mmmm… what else? A nasty moment of clarity reveals he has some distance to travel before he’s up there with Darrell Peck. A rumble in his bowel signals a flare-up of the irritable bowel syndrome.
“A nasty moment of clarity reveals he has some distance to travel before he’s up there with Darrell Peck.”
8:30 p.m.
As the sunsets, Jez prepares his drone for epic B-roll footage for tomorrow’s YouTube video. And while he’s flying, he has a crafty scout around the lake for signs of feeding fish. His drone could be the investment that changes everything. Sipping the day’s tenth and final brew, Jez has an inspired idea for tomorrow, his favourite day of the week, #ThrowbackThursday! He could use the Pixlr Express AI photo app to transform an old photo into the perfect catch shot. Genius, he thinks. Presentation is everything!
9:30 p.m.
Exciting news: Danny has posted about a bailiff vacancy at Norton Disney. Jez is buzzing; this could be his ‘in’ to the big time. He breaks out the laptop, works on his CV, and carefully composes a covering letter, highlighting his brand value and customer service training at Tommy’s Tackle shop.
11:00 p.m.
Jez lays his head on the soft khaki pillow, content that today he has done everything he can to develop his brand, confident he is one step closer to making it. Eventually, he nods off, pushing out the zzz’s and dreaming of the promised land, where thousands of unknown ‘friends’ hang on his every word, and he is paid to fish for giant carp across Europe, shoulder-to-shoulder with the likes of Henry Lennon. Jez may suffer from a virulent form of 21st-century Crass Capitalist Carp Fever, but he does not suffer from insomnia!
