How To Impress A Bivvy Tramp... And Other Things

At this time of year, my mind turns to spring, to carp basking in the strengthening sun and moving onto southerlies with renewed appetite. It’s a season for honest appraisal of your relationship with winter carping, for looking in the mirror, reflecting on your direction of travel and progress, for setting objectives for the coming months. 

As for winter, hands up, I’ve reverted to my natural state: a softie southerner, a fair weather carper, an armchair winter warrior. These days I’m happier sitting indoors when the molecules are moving slowly, waiting for a photo call, getting my carpy fix from behind the lens on quick dashes to the lake. I’m not saying winter carp fishing is a waste of time, as I’ve photographed amazing cold weather captures in the harshest of conditions and greatly admire those who tough it out, sit through the dark, damp blanks with eyes fixed firmly on the prize of a mega cold-water chunk. However…

…it may help if I pass on some advice from one of our syndicate members. He says the trick of a happy life in carping is to handle all situations like a dog. First off, have a good sniff to see if you can munch it, hump it or have fun with it. If not, simply piss on it and stroll away. I took this advice to heart, and have concluded that winter carp fishing around here, for me, is a 100% piss on it and stroll away situation. 

And while I have your attention, I’ll share another piece of advice I heard last year while chewing the fat with a couple of Longreach diehards. Over a brew, one blurted out that he was confused and disappointed by a lack of success with the opposite sex. I could immediately see and smell a few obvious areas for improvement but didn’t share. His mate, having recently finished the regulation St Ives herbal breakfast, expressed a more nuanced analysis of the predicament, kind of a bivvy tramps are from hell, women are from heaven viewpoint. The thrust of which was that the top five ways to impress a bivvy tramp are completely different to the top five ways to impress a girl, so trying to achieve both is doomed to failure: 

Ways to impress a bivvy tramp:
1. Catch enormous acarp
2. Bring beer
3. Light your farts
4. Bring McD’s
5. Turn up with new reels

Ways to impress a girl: 
1. Be romantic
2. Make her laugh
3. Wash regularly
4. Cook a great meal
5. Show her your enormous talent

While at first glance, I’ll admit there do seem to be mutually exclusive behaviours and values at the heart of each list. On closer inspection, I believe there is some hope of reconciliation. For instance, you may be lucky and find a girl who likes both beer and fishing. Apparently, they do exist. You may even win the Lottery and find a girl in the 0.001 per cent of women who find lighting farts as hilarious as we do. And although most bivvy tramps accept the inevitable attrition on their love life, there are those of a more optimistic nature: those unfortunate comrades who wish to perfect the five recommended competencies for impressing girls, but find themselves somewhat deficient in the enormous talent department.

I’m afraid the only consolation on offer for us is that it might make her laugh, and a positive and a negative will cancel themselves out. As for being romantic and exhibiting high levels of personal hygiene, these are near-impossible qualities to achieve with any degree of consistency for anyone possessing a gentleman’s area let alone a fully signed-up bivvy tramp.

A Growing Trend? I Hope Not… 
On a completely different but equally troubling subject, I have noticed over the last year that a few super keen and successful younger syndicate members are dropping by the wayside, taking time off, or even giving up completely and selling their gear. I hope this is not a growing trend, but I suspect it may be. I lay the blame largely at the door of social media, which is an alluring honey trap, a viciously deceiving reality bubble, a rose-tinted filter, where catching large chunks is portrayed as being easy and accessible. Of course, this is far from true. Successful anglers are like swans, appearing majestic and graceful, but paddling like crazy under the surface; working harder, longer and smarter than most, but often still conveniently omitting their blanks from public view. 

Added to this, many are supported by angling companies, supplementing their natural talents, commitment and enthusiasm with an embarrassment of time, tackle and bait. Expecting to catch as many chunks as these individuals often leads to damaging disillusionment and burnout. The trick is, to not get caught up in the social media game, driven by algorithms, not to attach self-worth to your Instagram photo album. The point of carp fishing is not to swell your ego. The point of carp fishing is also not to make a living from it, which is a life of thinly disguised tackle and bait advertising. The point of carp fishing is to fill your soul with awe and wonder! 

To that, I would add that carp fishing is a life-long investment plan, not a get-rich-quick pyramid scheme. In the words (almost) of Dr Johnson, when a man is tired of fishing, he is tired of life. Fortunately, I have retained my excitement and enthusiasm for carp fishing across nearly 50 years. I put this down to moving the desire to catch more and bigger lower down the priority list, to a focus on enjoying the journey, relishing the challenge, valuing the comradeship of fellow enthusiasts, and treating both triumph and disaster just the same. I commend you to do the same: to aim to be as thrilled by the last bite in this life as you were with your first.

And finally, remember that life is way too short for:

- Comparing your catches with full-timers
- Gardening and golf
- Chasing Instagram followers
- Ironing
- Lying about the weight of your fish
- Removing USB devices safely