Modern Carping Is Rubbish!

Yes, I know, back in the ‘good old days’ hooks were blunt, glass fibre rods meant you couldn’t cast for toffee, a twenty-pounder was a chunk and the height of luxury was a garden sun lounger under your fifty-inch brolly. But, at the risk of being branded a grumpy old sod, accused of peddling old skool views and agreeing with Damon Albarn that modern life is rubbish, I’m giving a big shout out for 20th Century carping, daring to suggest that we may have taken a few wrong turns, adopted some rather dodgy practices. Brace yourselves… here are 10 things that p*ss me off about modern carp fishing… 

10. Beachcaster set-ups 
There is a worrying trend round our way for dispensing with rear banksticks, buying long front rests and pointing your wands at the sky. Sorry, but it’s wrong. If I had my way the practice would be outlawed, and only ever be seen at Cromer, Dungeness and the like. This kind of irreverence for tradition offends the feng shui of a carp swim. Rods should be pointing down, level, or at most, raised by fifteen degrees. The Tackle Tartology Police have spoken!

9. Punishers and sheep
Okay, so we’ve always had punishers in carp fishing. Those who walk up and ask what you’ve had, when you had it, where you had it and what you had it on. You used to be able to duck out the way when you saw one coming, zip up the bivvy door, pretend to be asleep or dead, but these days those dreaded devices in our pockets mean the punishing goes on 24/7. And now we’re all ‘friends’, apparently it’s okay to message any time of day and night: Who’s on mate? Anyone in Breams? Anything out? Can you message me if one farts? It’s relentless, block them all!

A close cousin of the punisher is the sheep. They are known for following you round like a bad smell, peering through bins from across the lake, moving next door when you’ve had one, casting their rods ever closer and bucketing your peg 24hrs before you leave. Fortunately, wandering sheep can usually be deterred with the installation of a no sheep allowed sign at the back of your swim.

8. Bait boats 
Flip flops, Y-fronts and pineapple on a pizza are like bait boats—just plain WRONG, abominations, the devil’s spawn. With a bait boat controller in their grubby hands, these pirates decide it’s okay to fish at 250yds and fill their plastic Black Pearl brim-full of boilies sending it past buoys, weedbeds and other anglers to stake a claim on virgin territory. Don’t tell me anyone uses bait boats in Yorkshire; they smack of The Only Way Is Essex Whatever happened to the art of casting? Ban them! 

7. Social media wannabes 
Girls, boys and Lancashire ladyboys, don’t sit indoors fishing for compliments and posting pictures of your latest tackle shop purchase—get out on the bank and catch some big elusive carp. Let’s be honest, you’ve got nothing interesting, useful or entertaining to say, so if you can’t go fishing because it’s too cold, too hot, or too wet, you can make use of that Pornhub subscription and keep your hands off the keyboard. 

6. Drone devils
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just like God, watercraft is dead! The drone devils are on their way. Don’t fall for their fake news: “I just sent it up to take some cool lake shots. I found the fish after a few laps and climbing trees!” Come on, you spied them on your sneaky little screen. YES, maybe I do secretly wish I had one, but I just can’t take the leap. Be warned: any drones over my swim will be instantly taken out with a stinger missile

5. Keeping fit 
There is a worrying trend of ‘celebrity’ carp anglers, you know who you are, promoting fitness as the new ‘must have’ carping accessory. What is that all about? Whatever happened to the time-honoured tradition of Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodles, chocolate Hobnobs, cheeky takeaways and cheap cider? Get over it and cultivate a bootiful bivvy tramp beer belly! 

4. Bush crapping 
We seem to be losing the art of the ‘session crap’. Come on comrades, this is level 101 carping etiquette. Don’t crap in the bushes! Maybe I’m wrong, but my guess is that at home you don’t pop out into the garden and crap on your lawn when nature calls, so why do it down the lake? All you need is a humble plastic bag, and failing that, in an emergency, a shovel, so you can bury your carefully curated deposit. Leave shitting in the woods to the bears! 

3. Instant carpers 
“Twelve months ago I took up carp fishing, took out a small mortgage and armed myself with a swim full of killer kit. I looked the dog’s danglers! And what a year I had: five UK forties, two fifties, and a sixty. I am now sponsored by three companies. I was so happy. By the way, does anyone want to buy my tackle? Carping is so last year. I’m taking up bungee jumping.” 

2. Time bandits
Let me tell you a story: once upon a time, carp fishing used to be a hobby, squeezed in around the pub, football, work and family commitments. Back in the day we busted a gut to get an overnighter in during the week, and promised we’d be back by 10 on Sunday morning. Not any more: syndicates are bursting with sponsored anglers, camped up in prime swims—bivvy cities full of time bandits. I’m writing to my MP; we need a new law, 48hrs on, 48 off!

1. Van WANK*RS
It has been noted on the syndicate that increasing numbers of members are turning up without a bivvy. If they were hardcore 80s style under the stars with a waterproof sleeping bag cover merchants, I would be impressed. But alas, they seem to be a particularly pernicious type of modern carper who thinks it’s acceptable to fish straight out of the van, sleep on a luxury mattress in an all-mod-cons boudoir. I proclaim that the latest pandemic is coming: a plague of drive-up-to-your-swim-van-wank*rs. Seriously guys, get a grip!