10 excuses to go fishing this weekend

1 'I need some space to think'

Always a winner with a new girl who hasn't got her feet under the table. It's the implication that you're being stifled and sets your stall for future sessions. My missus just said, 'you need something to think with first'. Sigh.

2 'I need some fresh air'

What actually is 'fresh air'? Can someone illuminate me? I can understand cold air; I can understand air that doesn't smell, but fresh? That stuff's been around for a while geez, it's obviously way past its sell-by. And to think of some of the things I've expelled into it... Eugh!

3 'All of my mates are going'

You haven't got any. Look at you, you're reading a 'social' carp mag. You're only reading my drivel because you thought the flange was on this page and get your hand out of your trousers when your reading my bit, please.

4 'They're really 'avin it'

When delivered with a vague sarf-London accent, it may pass as an excuse from the starter bar in the Horse & Barge, but in a two-up-none-down in Attleborough? Nicht.

Besides, while they may be 'avin it' when you leave, they've always stopped when you return!

5 'I've put 30kgs in this year, it's my time soon'

You're fishing the girl's pond near the local rec, not the wuthering wilds of Wrasbury.

6 'Nice night for it'

Without doubt, the finest excuse/reason/opening gambit ever dreamt-up by blokekind. Delivered with the appropriate swagger, it's like a witches spell to conjure the squeak of the door and consequent clunk as someone or someone's leave the building. Not purely limited as an angling excuse either my friends.

7 'It's a requirement of my sponsorship'

And call yourself Terry while you're there mate! Sponsorship? That's the lame excuse you dreamt up to cover the fact you've spent all of the patio money on those new rods and umpteen kilos of clout bait. Just because the laughing tackle dealer gave you a quid off before he booked his Caribbean flights, it doesn't mean you're sponsored. It's a little known fact that the word 'sponsor' comes from the Celtic word 'sponder', which means, 'to profit from another's neediness'.

8 'There's a southwesterly coming in'

And you're Michael Fish are you? Funny how we all turn into the human barometer when we need to get the sticks out. But 'weatherman' isn't very Die Hard is it!?

9 'I just know I need to be there'

Feel it in your water can you? It's probably an infection of the urinary tract mate, you're not the next Darrell Peck. Although it can be treated by a short course of anti-biotics (Urethritis, not Darrell Peck).

10 'I want to go fishing'

Come out from the fishing closet young man, and admit to your loved ones you'd rather be beside a dank, dark piss pool than be residing in their affections at home. At least you're being honest.